mh- but trying to be positive
Two months ago, I was constantly in emergency mode, going from crisis management to crisis management with little regard for my own desires and needs. That was depressing and exhausting.Now this is globally over, I'm more focused on myself, I can do the things I love and want, and this is really better... but I'm starting to see that for now, the moments I touch the life I want, the life that feels real, are just that, moments. Moments in a mess of executive dysfunction, totally pointless work-related stuff, chores and obligations, and the general chaos that world and life is.
I need structure, one way or another. I need the ability to build something to shelter and grow the things that feed and heal me. I need all this to be a controlled ride - even if it's a rough one - and not just floating through the chaos and trying to reach for the things that feel real as I pass close to them, knowing I'll just keep the small part that doesn't flow through my fingers.
This isn't that negative. I'm frustrated because I'm more in tune with myself, and I'll take that over being depressed because I'm disconnected from myself, any day.
But I'm so fucking tired and I really need holidays, and doing something about it.
